I just talked to my son and he told me he is on the honor roll this semester! This is the first time in his life, that I can recall, that he has made straight A's. All his school life I've tried to convince him that it doesn't matter how much he knows, if he doesn't write it down he won't get credit for it. He has refused to do his work or conform to the whole school 'thing' since he was in kindergarten. Now at last it seems to have been revealed to him the secret to success. He said, 'All I've been doing is picking up my pencil and writing down what's on the board.'
Well, will wonders never cease.
I am forwarding some money to my parents so they can take him to order his class ring. I feel very happy that he's achieving some success at long last, and he says that he's been told he can go back to regular school after Christmas. (He has been in alternative school for the last few years.)
I've been really emotional this weekend, anyway. Now this. I feel so many emotions; happy for him but also quite sick in the pit of my stomach. I haven't actually spoken to his father in at least a year that I can remember. In fact, I think it's been two years. In actual fact, they don't have a phone, so the only time I get to speak to him is about once a month or so when my parents have him over for the weekend and I get to have a phone conversation with him. Obviously, if there's no phone in his house there's also no dial up connection or broadband, so email is out. So my communication with him is rare. Maybe I should not be disclosing all this so publicly. The nausea I feel is rising now into my throat. There's a burning sensation from the pit of my stomach all the way up my esophagus to my throat. I get this reaction after speaking to him because it is just so fraught with emotion. It's a bit better these days. In the past, I used to go and actually throw up or have dry heaves and cry for hours. Now it's just this shakiness in the hands and a feeling of desolation accompanied by the nausea. I suppose it's a primal reaction, beyond my control.
See, life can be complicated for us mere mortals. Things aren't always so simple. I used to think they were. I used to sit in judgement of people who have been forced to make painful choices or whose lives weren't like mine. It's so easy for people who are married and living with their kids to just frown and shake their heads and say 'How could she, how could such a thing happen?' But the path of life is unpredictable and sometimes fraught with perilous forks where turning neither left nor right is acceptable, yet you have no choice but to go down one or the other. You can almost never turn back. The truth of it is, you never really can go back at all. The past can't be undone or relived. All any of us can do is go forward. We have to embrace the path, such as it is.
It does no good to dwell on things. The only real moment is right now. The past doesn't exist, the future doesn't exist. Right now, my son is not only alive and healthy, he's experiencing success and good times. I've talked to him, it's real. These emotions, these feelings, they're real, too, but they're transient. They spring from my perceptions, my condemnation of myself, my guilt. They aren't based on him, he blames me for nothing. These feelings will pass way. They will leave me only as changed as I allow them to. They will affect me only to the extent that I allow them to. They will mean only as much as I allow them to. He's okay, he's doing okay, his life is okay. It's me who's having the problem, the same old problem, the old wound that doesn't heal, or that I won't allow to heal.
Tomorrow I'll go and buy a card and mail it to him in congratulations. It just so happens I've sent him a package recently. I'll see to it that he gets his class ring, with the help of my parents. And I will continue to breathe through each moment. It's all I can do.
It's good news.
May all beings be at ease.