Thursday, 15 November 2007
I had a really rubbish day at work today. All my Buddhist notions of calmness and breathing fell by the wayside. In all honesty, it wasn't that big a deal, but I just hate making errors and I never know when to talk and when to shut up. I also have no ability to disguise my emotions, particularly stress and frustration. I have to remember the philosophy taught me by a more senior colleague when I first started this: 'At the end of the day, it's just books.' Or in this case, DVDs.
There are times when minutiae really get me down. Details, details, bean counting and ticky ticky stuff. It seems that lower down the totem pole you go in my organisation, the more details you're expected to be able to think about and perform all at the same time. And I'm right down there at the bottom. It's particularly galling when you think a plan is coming together, that you've got a task licked, and then some problem rears its head and you have to go back and do work over again. Another problem I am having at the moment is people listening in on what is going on and interfering. While my teammate and I were discussing the problem we'd encountered, people all over the workroom stopped to listen in. People come out and have something to say about what's going on when they aren't even meant to be involved in it. Someone tells me it's my boat, then the next thing I know there are 40 people in there with me all trying to steer it. I might as well put on my life jacket and jump.
So confession time. Today a member of staff asked me to help her do something with the computer system, but the whole time I was trying to show her she kept interrupting me thinking I was making errors, until finally I asked her, 'Do you want me to do this or do you want to do it?' Then another member of staff brought a customer over with a problem, which I dealt with. Then she came over to find out the resolution and when I started to explain it to her, she interrupted me and contradicted me so I said, 'Do you want to hear what happened or not?' And at one point a senior member of staff--who is NOT, however, on my team--came out to question something I had done, even though a member of staff senior to HER had conferred with me and told me to do it. I tried to explain this to her, but she kept telling me that that isn't the way 'we' had done it before. So finally I said to her, 'Would you like me to copy you into any future emails about this?' And of course she said it wasn't her concern.
Well, I mean honestly! I do feel I was justified in feeling frustrated by all these instances, but I am pretty sure my reactions weren't the best choice. I did not raise my voice or use a sharp tone, I don't think, but still, perhaps I could have done better.
Anyway, between things I'd tried so hard to get right going wrong and then my interpersonal skills being tested and found lacking, it's been a crap day.
I'm going to go exercise now and see if I can work out some frustration.
May all beings be at ease. (Even at work.)