Saturday, 15 December 2007
Confessions of a student driver
'Oh man I don't know what's wrong, I'm really feeling like I'm going to be ill.'
'I don't think I can fu**ing do this.'
'I am never going to pass my test.'
What skill was I trying to master? Reversing around a corner? Reversing into a bay? Parallel parking? Nope. It was turning left and right using the push-pull steering technique. He kept asking me if I was thinking about it. I was supposed to say I was not thinking about it. But how can I effing do it if I'm not allowed to think about it? The last time he asked me if I thought about it, I said no. Lie.
I officially can announce that I hate driving lessons. I hate them. I fu**ing HATE them. It's not the driving instructor's fault. It's the whole atmosphere of driving lessons.
I have never felt so tense while driving in my entire life as I have felt when accompanied by a driving instructor. I can't explain why that is, other than the fact that he is actually scrutinizing and commenting on my every move and gesture. That would make anyone tense, in any situation. I mean, imagine you're cutting up an onion. You thought you could cut up onions--you've been doing it all your life. Then some trained soux chef stands next to you and says, 'Do you think you should cut the root off first?' 'Why would you want to hold the knife that way?' 'What do you think is the reason why you ought to cut in straight lines?' 'Actually, it's safest to hold your hand flat on top and make horizontal cuts,' etc. And then your hands start to shake, you suddenly feel you don't know up from down, so you stand there waiting for him to tell you what to do next because you've become afraid to do anything at all, and at the end of your onion-cutting lesson, you get 'Displays skill when prompted' ticked on your key skills log sheet. Would that not put you off onions for life?
(Okay, okay, strange analogy. I just finished cutting up an onion.)
No wonder Derek is shy of driving. He's only ever been behind the wheel with a driving instructor. If I had only ever driven in that situation, I'd be freaking dang afraid to drive, too! I told him how much more at ease he will feel when he is free to relax and just drive the damn car.
I know, I know, potty mouth. Sorry for all the bad language, sorry, sorry, sorry. I most assuredly did not display any of my lofty Buddhist notions of inner calm today. This happens to me a lot. In the heat of the moment, there's often not much but heat. There are so many areas of my life that need improving. Knowing how to deal with anxiety is WAY up there on the list.
Well, I have my next lesson on Wednesday. Driving instructor says he is going to take me to a new area and we will do some 'more normal' driving than what we've done so far. Thank goodness for that!
Wish me luck, and send me calming energy--those of you who do Ravi & Ana's kundalini yoga, send out healing vibes to me at the end of your sets, please!
May all beings be at ease.