Thursday, 10 January 2008
Not knocked on the head entirely, but anaesthetized indefinitely
My driving instructor couldn't fit me in on a Friday so I've told him to just cancel all my lessons. I feel the need to step back from this. I must find a different instructor. Perhaps I will contact the guy who taught Derek, but it will not be until spring. I have been beating myself up about this and feeling like a failure because I want to pull back from it rather than attacking it with gusto, but after a heart to heart with DH last night, I realise it doesn't matter. So much of the pressure I put on myself is about something that doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if I take lessons now or later. It doesn't matter if I take a few and stop, take a few and stop. It actually doesn't matter if I never get a drivers licence. If I never take another lesson, it doesn't mean I have failed. It means I have made a choice. It's hard to explain how much I struggle with the pressures that I put on myself because of some nebulous concept I have of what is expected of me. Who do I think is judging me? Why do I care if anyone is judging me?
So anyway, it's goodbye to that £120, and hello to a relief from the anxiety I've been having over the whole issue. I will most likely go back to it later, but the goal is to get the licence by the end of 2008, not right now this minute. And if I don't meet it, so what. I made up the goal. I can change it.
On another note, I have not been able to get my hands on a copy of No Diet Diet. Amazon is sold out, and the new edition is not available in WH Smith or Waterstones in my town centre, and the library only has it on order. Maybe Mark can help.
May all beings be at ease.