Friday, 7 March 2008

The bum of Damocles

General anxiety has descended upon me. So what's the problem?

1. A surprise charge from the dentist for something I thought was going to be free on the NHS. I bought it, paid a high price for it, and have been having the usual angst that goes along with any big ticket purchase I ever make, from shoes to hair cuts.

2. DH has a new job. We might move. I might have to leave my job and look for a new one.

3. We're going to buy a car.

4. I still haven't heard anything from the NHS about when I might be seeing this consultant I'm meant to be referred to regarding the possibility of my having otosclerosis.

5. It's high time I saw an optician to see if I need new glasses. But after what I spent at the dentist yesterday I am loathe to shuck out for glasses.

6. I think I ought to get on with earning ECDL (European Computer Driving Licence) to make me more marketable in admin posts for that possible new job search. That's another big expense, though, and for some reason I'm hanging back.

7. Driving lessons. Haven't had one in weeks and weeks. The thought makes my stomach turn. Haven't studied at all.

8. All these stressors (any stress at all) tend to send me zinging straight to the source of the greatest guilt of my life, the fact that I'm a voluntary noncustodial mother, and my son (who will be 17 soon) lives in the US while I live in the UK. So I might start out feeling unsettled about buying a dental appliance at an exorbitant price, but always end up staying up all night weeping and wailing this primal guilt. Poor DH. He's been through that scene with me so many times, but it is, as I said yesterday, the wound that never heals. It will be raw and gaping when I am 90.

Another mild irritant, a grain of sand in my shell so to speak, is the current situation at work. A member of staff there is a continual thorn in my side; she isn't performing her job competently and it's stressing us all out. It doesn't help that she is our supervisor! How this bit of grit will ever become a pearl I don't know.

So anyway. I am feeling a lot like that shaky little doggy under the big fat bum of doom!


Derek said...

yayay!!! the wonderful picture of the chihuahua is back!!! :)

Fat-Free Vegan said...

So I'm not the only one with upheaval in my life! Of course my anxiety is for of a different sort, but it's been pretty intense recently. You'll note I haven't been around much but I'm feeling better and I anticipate that to change real soon.

Things at home are still in turmoil and I can relate to the guilt of having left your son behind. As you know, I left my beloved nephew when I moved here. He was such a big part of my life since the day he was born, he's like my own son and for the last four years I've not been there for him. So the problems he's facing now, at just 17, stress me out to the max. But I'm still hanging in there. Glad to see you are, too.