Wednesday, 21 May 2008
An interesting afternoon. Working the flower remedies has helped me get to the root of my intense emotional reaction to driving lessons. I had a lesson today and when I got home I just had a big old cry. (You might remember that I took 3 lessons back in January and quit because I didn't like the instructor. I now realise it was most likely not his fault at all!) I decided to try to peel back the layers of this episode and see what I found. Panic and fear on the surface. Dread. Feeling criticised. Feeling like a failure. Feeling like the country is being unfair to me, feeling weary of always being the foreigner. Resentment and indignation that what I can do so easily back home in America is so difficult for me here. Embarrassment. Humiliation. That was it--humiliation and shame. Indignation.
Well, there aren't any flower remedies for humiliation and indignation. What could be causing it. After some thought I realised--intolerance. All this emotion, panic and dread comes from the wanting to avoid humiliation, and the humiliation comes from my intolerance of the way things are done over here. It's all different, and yes, different to the point that I'm for the most part having to relearn how to drive. As someone who has had a license for 24 years, it's humbling and embarrassing to be a beginner. I realised that it's easier for me to blame the instructors for jabbering on at me, blame the country for having such rigorous drivers training, and even blame myself for leaving America where everything's 'normal' than to accept the way things are here. I need Beech to overcome my intolerance for this aspect of my new culture. I need to accept that I am a learner driver here, that's that.
The thing is, nothing really went wrong today. I drove around for an hour, stalled the car twice, and didn't understand a lot of what the instructor was saying to me because she was using British driving jargon which confused me. (We talked about it later and realise we are going to have to get some terms straight before we set off next time!) But I still came away from it feeling like a failure because I didn't drive like the old pro I am at home. I drove like what I am here, a beginner.
Before the flower remedies, I would have cried and felt forlorn, but would never have sat and peeled back the layers of the emotion to get to the heart of it. I would still be harbouring resentment and blaming the world. Now I can see more clearly how the answer lies with me.
Hooray for Bach flower remedies!
May all beings be at ease.