Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Stop it stop it stop it

It's been months and months since I tried to curtail my eating of junk. Things have gone from moderate and planned splurges to pretty much daily, mindless stuffing. I have weighed the same since just after Christmas, so there's no problem with my weight as of yet (although I am up 3 lbs from my glorious all-time low last Octoberish), but if things don't change there very well could be weight gain that goes on and on and on. This must be avoided, of course, but I think there are bigger issues here. I don't like how I feel or who I am when I am eating junk. I don't like that person. I don't like the greasy, bloated, glugged-out feeling. I don't like this layer of goosh around my middle, which regardless of what the scale says, always feels to me bigger and softer when I've been overindulging in crap food. (I'm sure some of this bloaty and yuck feeling could be TOM-related, but that's no excuse to inhale every deep-fried or otherwise fat-laden food product in Warwickshire).

This weekend was bad, but no worse than nearly every other weekend, and many week days, over the last few months. DH and I can't buy a packet of biscuits and make them last. We eat them all in one day. We eat an entire bag of Doritos in one sitting. We eat a cake in two rounds. We go through an entire large chocolate bar in a quarter of an hour. It's ridiculous. DH is as thin as ever and seems to us be getting thinner. We don't know what to do about that, but the answer is certainly not more junk food! I'm not gaining (yet--which is good) but he seems to be losing (definitely not good), but we're eating more and more rubbish. Any way you look it, it's not good at all.

So what's the plan? I don't know. There was a time when I would not have eaten any of the stuff I've been eating lately, even if you paid me. Cakes, biscuits, chocolates, crisps, stuff I don't even actually like, sometimes. I would sit and look at it in disgust and sip water during breaks at work. I had a reputation at work of being the one who never touched the junk. Today, on the other hand, I had a small piece of chocolate cake at first break, another even smaller piece at lunch, then right before work was finished and I was locking up, I had two more bites of it. That doesn't sound like a lot, but it's the principle of it. There was a time when I had myself so disciplined that if I did find myself putting something in my mouth that I knew I shouldn't be eating (like a Cadbury Street or something) I would spit it back into the wrapper and drop it in the bin. I know that sounds like some sort of eating disorder, but trust me it was not. It was a survival technique for someone with serious food issues and no ability to regulate herself. Now I eat one, shrug and eat another, sneak up and get another. I've started doing furtive eating again, and that worries me. I don't want to think I'm self-medicating with food again, but what else can it be? If I don't take control of this, I'll be back in the bad old days when I would forage in the kitchen for absolutely anything to binge on. Heck, if I'm honest with myself, I've always done that, even when I was eating my cleanest. The only reason I was eating clean was because I refused to buy any junk. I have a problem with food, a serious and real problem, and we are buying junk food nearly every day! I don't know where this is coming from now, and I want to nip it in the bud. I absolutely will not gain back any of the weight I lost. Will not, will not, will not. It was the sneaky bites of cake during lock-up that really made me feel bad and to take a look at what I'm doing. But what did I do when I got home? I ate the rest of the Pringles in the can and finished off that chocolate flapjack that we bought for DH 'because he's so thin'. No wonder the poor man is so thin, he never gets the chance to eat if I'm around!

Even meals aren't as nice as they used to be. Too many vegan convenience entrees have crept in, and with fruit and veg getting more expensive and my taste running to the cheap junk lately, we have been putting less fresh and good stuff on our plates at mealtime. I feel fat and lazy.

I guess I need to start where I started the first time. More water. Always water, nothing but water, no hot beverages during the day. Snack on fruit or something healthy like a Lara Bar or soaked meusli. And then DO NOT follow that up with chocolate digestives! And most important of all, keep the junk out of this house. (Hoping that poor DH doesn't dry up and blow away entirely).

It's just a constant struggle, but at the end of the day I know it's one I can win. It's never too late to make a change.

May all beings be at ease.

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