Wednesday, 24 September 2008

Oh my god

You know what? There's no such thing as a former codependent. There's no such thing as 'I used to be codependent.'

Not for the first time, I have been taking the blame onto myself for the choices that someone else has made,for the actions that he has chosen to take or not to take, actions over which I had no control. Actions to which I could make no contribution. There is no 'Yes, but you could have done something' in this. Saying that doesn't make it true. No, I could not have done something. No, I could not, and the reason I could not is also down to him! Not me!

I realize that if the situation were reversed and I was the one doing what he is doing, I would not blame him. This fills me with an incredulous sense of wonder. It would not even occur to me to blame him! I would blame myself. It would be my fault for not providing, my fault for not supporting, my fault for not trying. I wouldn't blame him; I probably wouldn't even think about him, he'd be so far out of the picture. If the situation were reversed and I was the one not doing the right thing, it would be my fault, not his. So why haven't I been blaming him, instead of saying, 'Yes but...'?

'Yes, but' what? 'Yes, but he can't be expected to do the right thing'? 'Yes, but you can't expect him to behave like a normal human being'? 'Yes, but you know what he's like, he is useless, I have to take up his slack, if I don't it's my fault'?? Why? Why? Why is it my fault? Why have I always thought it was my fault? Why do I have to take up his slack, why do I have to pick up his pieces, why do I have to sweep up after the elephant show?? How is it possible that I'm still caught up in this cycle with someone I haven't even spoken to in years!

It's just occurred to me not only that it is NOT MY FAULT when he does or doesn't do something, it is CODEPENDENT of me to think that it is my fault. I really had no idea that I was still codependent. I thought I had shed the last of that. I thought that getting away from him was freedom from it, that not talking to him for 6 years had broken the tie, but no. That old fish hook is still in my cheek. It's been tugging away over 4,000 miles, over nearly 7 years, tearing a ragged hole in me, and me sobbing away over here and wondering why I feel like I'm bleeding to death.

What he does or doesn't do is not my fault. What he provides or doesn't provide is not my fault. I'm not there, but I could have helped out, things could have been so much better, but that fact that HE HASN'T LET ME is not my fault! He's made choices that in no way can be construed as my fault. And yet, I've only thought of him as inconsequential, his bizarre behaviour as to be expected and something I ought to be able to work around, and taken the blame on myself. God!

I can't believe that even now I have automatically absolved him of responsibility.

The only thing I'm sorry for is that a third party was caught in the middle of this and has suffered. But even that is in part due to his own choices, what he decided, and nothing to do me.

I hope that the situation will change soon when that third party comes of age, that I will finally be free to speak to him and do things for him and be a part of his life. The future could be different. The past, though, really is not my fault.

I have got to return to this realisation again and again. This 'raw wound that never heals' has got to start to heal.

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