Monday, 15 September 2008
Some days are better than others
Yesterday was a rough day for me. They come around about every 6 weeks.
If you've never struggled with depression, it can be difficult to understand what happens to a person. I compare it to being sucked into a vortex. You can feel it happening, but you're powerless to stop it. Then you give yourself up to it and you just have to bide down there in the pit until it's over. That's how it is for me. Every negative thought you can have about yourself bombards you from all sides at the same time. It's like you're lying there being kicked from every direction by an angry mob, and while you know you're doing it to yourself, you can't seem to stop. One side of your brain is saying that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you, that this whole thing is ridiculous, while the other side is saying you're nothing, you're worthless, everything you have ever done or ever will do is meaningless, hypocritical and pointless.
Yesterday's attack went on for some time. I finally managed to pull myself out of it with a big slug of straight brandy. Yes, at 11.30 AM. I hardly ever do that, but I was desperate and it helped. The rest of the day was fine after I pulled out of that.
I don't know why this happens to me. I don't know how other people cope with their emotions, with bad days. I guess I don't know and have never really known what normal is. Maybe I'm normal. Who knows.
I do know that I am not a bad person, in spite of what I say to myself at those times. I have never done anything really bad. I do try hard to live the best I can. So why I can't let up on myself, I don't know. Why I have to constantly pick at and worry over everything, I don't know. Why I need to know why, I don't know. It just feels like, sometimes, it would be so nice to just shut all systems down and see, hear, feel, think and do nothing, for just a short period of time, to recharge myself, to take a break from existence, just a short one. Too bad we can't do that.