Hmm. This is going to take some time. Just off hand, I can't think of anything that makes my whole person smile. I can think of things I've accomplished, things I'm proud of, things I enjoy, things I esteem, things I aspire to, things that I am moved by, things that annoy me, things that challenge me, and things that make me cry. But I can't, off the bat, think of anything that 'makes my whole person smile'.
'Think for a second,' Vegan Chick wrote to me, '--what makes you laugh? What makes you smile? What makes you happy inside? Choose something very small to do that makes you feel good. Very small. Whatever that means for you.'
Well, umm, it makes me feel good to work out. I have to admit I really enjoy doing my home exercise DVDs. I enjoy them while I'm doing them, and I enjoy the way I feel after I've finished.
It makes me feel good to go out into the British countryside and hike along a well-established and way-marked trail. That is one of my favourite things to do, ever. (As long as it's not overrun with other walkers. In this, Wainwright and I are in agreement!)
It makes me happy to write and doodle in my journal. I enjoy writing things down and parsing out the days. (Although lately, it's become a bit alarming to me how many of these days have slipped by in what I've thought of until lately as 'routine contentment' but which I am now beginning to suspect is actually a plain old rut).
Something small. Very small. Something very small that makes me happy.
Writing my blog.
Reading other blogs and checking my message boards...
I don't know. I can't think. I think this is because I don't really do anything. Not in the sense Vegan Chick must have meant. I'm a very solitary person; all my pursuits and my comfort zone are, well, insular. But some part of me must want to break out. I put it all here on this blog nobody reads (present company excepted). I will open up to anyone who gives me a chance. But there's just this feeling that something's out of balance, and I think Vegan Chick hit it when she said,
'We have each been given certain gifts. But these gifts are not for us. They are for others. We can open the gift, but we must give it away. And not to do that is being selfish and irresponsible.'
The universe keeps sending me this message.
It may be time for me to stop hiding from it.