Thursday, 9 April 2009

I took the theory test today and got 50/50 on the multiple choice and 61/75 on the hazard perception. I am very relieved to get that out of the way.

Sister sent word that they're stopping all treatment on my dad. He's not expected to live much longer, maybe less than 24 hours. I don't know if I'm in total shock or if I have already made my peace with it, but I feel oddly calm. I just feel like he's still as much with me as he ever was. And that he always will be.

My stress is manifesting itself in emotional eating, though. You'd think I'd lose my appetite but no. That's not the case. It's like I want to keep myself stuffed. I just keep eating.

It's all been so fast, I haven't scrambled for a flight. Somehow it just didn't seem right to race over to try to get 10 minutes in the room with him while he's in such a state. He was always such a proud, private person. This is a man who didn't want me to see that he needed to stand on a stump to get on a horse. (After his first heart attack about 20 years ago). This is a man who worked a kidney stone so large he had to do it by hand out of himself in the toilet at work and then finished his shift! When he had the first stroke the other day, he didn't want Mom to know and she didn't realise it until she saw him lift his right hand with his left and she rushed out to find the nurses. With him unable to speak, so many mini-strokes having taken away so much of his mind, not able to swallow, not able to breath--I know he wouldn't want me to see him like that. We don't know if he knows who's with him or anything. I feel that I'm respecting what he would have wanted by keeping in my mind and heart the image of him as I last saw him. So I'm waiting here, and I don't think the wait will be long. Then I will go and see what, if any, comfort I can offer to my mother.

It's my decision how I handle this situation and it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. We all have to deal with our grief in our own way.

3 comments:

Morandia said...

Well, whatever happens, you will be coming in May and can do whatever you need to do then. Hang in there. *HUG*

Morandia said...

oh... Congratulations on the test! I knew you could do it!

Derek said...

As I said this morning, very well done luv! I told you yesterday you would pass it, as you've been doing so well on the example tests. xxx